Over the course of this quarantine, have you found your significant other to be the most annoying colleague you’ve ever had?! Did they always breathe like that?! Did they ACTUALLY put their dishes in the sink, right next to an empty dishwasher? Do they HAVE to pace around the room when they’re on a conference call?
You’re not alone.
Add spending unlimited amounts of time with your partner (while trying to work) to the ever-growing list of your other worries and concerns: childcare, home maintenance, laundry, bills to pay, pets to walk, errands to run, and OH YEAH- a PANDEMIC… now subtract the self-care you used to relieve yourself of the stress before COVID19 shot our lifestyles right between the eyes. What is that a perfect recipe for? LOTS AND LOTS OF FIGHTING.
We’re under unparalleled pressure, and seemingly small arguments before this madness began have turned into terrain that feels impossible to navigate. Many are asking themselves big questions they hadn’t asked themselves before. Is this forever? Can we continue like this? Do I even want this?
If you’ve asked yourself some of these questions, keep reading- you may find setting some fair-fighting rules (expectations/boundaries/whatever you wanna call them) within your relationship to be helpful. This list isn’t exhaustive, but it’s a good place to start if you’re feeling like you need some foundation to build on before your next disagreement.
1. Keep it private
If you feel a fight brewing, table the conversation until you can have it in private. Fighting is hard enough; you don’t need the judgment of an audience.
Some of my clients have a word or phrase that indicates to their partner “not now”, or “we will discuss this later”. Try making it something innocuous enough that others won’t pick up on it, but specific enough that your partner will understand such as “I forgot to tell you your aunt called earlier”.
2. Volume, tone of voice and language
Pay attention to your volume. I don’t know about you, but any time I’ve been yelled at, I miss the message because I’m so focused on the way the other person is emoting and formulating my defense.
Read the room and know your audience- be wary of using humor or sarcasm- sometimes it doesn’t fit and may even make the other person feel misunderstood or like they’re not being taken seriously.
Don’t name call or hit below the belt. Being cruel and insulting has NOTHING to do with the problem and is more a reflection of the person who chooses to call names or say things that can’t be taken back. Come on, you’re better than that.
3. Watch that body language
Both parties should feel physically safe and respected during an argument.
Eye rolling, although seemingly innocent, is a huge red flag when it comes to identifying communication breakdowns within a relationship. When you roll your eyes or make other facial expressions that might be offensive, you’re dismissing the other person, invalidating their feelings and communicating that you just don’t care.
Stay in the general vicinity of the other person, while being careful to not violate their personal space or turn your body away from them completely.
Pacing, balled fists, and crossed arms can be distracting as well as intimidating and damage the potential for resolution.
4. Take turns talking
You can’t talk and listen at the same time. Most fights stem from not feeling listened to. Even if you disagree with the other person’s statements, put it in the parking lot and circle back to it when it’s your turn.
5. Don’t shut down
In the therapy world, this is called “stonewalling”. It often escalates the other person and increases the intensity of the power struggle. If you don’t have the ability to express yourself through language, ask for a break.
6. Take breaks
There’s nothing wrong with hitting the pause button. Often, it’s incredibly beneficial to stop the conversation if you feel yourself escalating to a point where you may say things you don’t mean and not be able to communicate your main points effectively. Also, fighting is exhausting. Sometimes you need a break to recharge, (or even SLEEP!) so you can articulate yourself more clearly.
Asking for a break, or using a word that indicates the need for a break should be used with the understanding that the topic will be revisited (and initiated by the person who asked for the break) within the next 24-48 hours. Remember, you need to let the other person know that you’re not just walking away, which can feel like a challenge- use a word or phrase that clearly means “I need some time away from this discussion and we’ll come back to it later”.
Don’t badger. When someone asks for a break, the other party needs to respect this and offer the other person space. Don’t follow that person around or continue the argument. Don’t try to elicit a response by bringing up other issues or saying things you know will upset the other person and make them feel the need to re-engage.
7. Don’t overgeneralize
Stay away from black and white/all or nothing language. Nothing is absolute when it comes to relationships. Words like “always”, ‘never”, “only” and “every time” can trigger the other person and make them feel defensive.
8. I-messages
“I feel ___________ when ________ happens” helps the speaker take responsibility for their emotions while acknowledging what made them feel that way.
“You made me so _____________! You did this, you did that! It’s all your fault!” language communicates blame and can immediately cause a disconnect for the person on the receiving end.
9. Stay away from the kitchen sink
Not literally, but figuratively- stay on topic, stay relevant. Don’t bring things up from the past or all of the examples you’ve been accumulating to dump on your person as a means to make them feel guilty or bad about themselves. Stick to the facts and stay within the confines of the specific issue at hand.
10. Don’t be afraid to apologize
Apologizing doesn’t mean you “lost an argument”. If one person wins, everybody loses. You’re on the same team. Apologizing means you recognize and take responsibility for making someone you care for feel a certain way.
