I’m human. I’m not immune to the ebbs and flows of daily life, and despite years of education, training, professional and personal experiences in mental health, I have days like everyone elsewhere it’s a struggle to make sense of the world, my circle, my choices, and my feelings. I started writing this list to give myself a little grace on a tough day. After reading it, I thought maybe someone else might need a reminder to cut themselves a break right now.
1) It’s okay to mourn what life used to be like.
This sucks. You’re allowed to be negative. You’re allowed to recognize that maybe life wasn’t so bad before and be upset that perhaps you didn’t appreciate it. You didn’t know how different things could be. You don’t have to constantly make the best of things, look on the bright side, or wear rose-colored glasses. It’s okay not to be okay. Your feelings are valid and deserve respect and time to process.
2) It’s okay to change the channel, literally and figuratively.
I absolutely love animals, yet, the moment I hear the Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercial begin, I can’t change the channel fast enough. Sometimes I need to institute a regular break from the news because it can be emotionally paralyzing. I pause conversations I know are headed toward dangerous emotional territory because I know how it might affect me. I avoid social media when I’m feeling particularly vulnerable. There’s a lot of discussion of it being a privilege to turn off the realities of the world- but I would argue it’s a necessity at times. Being informed isn’t helpful when you’re too depressed to do anything about injustice. It’s okay to protect yourself from triggers so you have the emotional wherewithal to tackle other parts of life and to replenish your reservoir for future emotional balance and well-being.
3) It’s okay to take a break from your to to do list.
Check out this blog on productivity guilt. Those responsibilities, “shoulds”, “musts” and “have to’s” will always be there. Remember, busyness does not equal progress.
4) It’s okay to not return that call or text.
You don’t have to be available to everyone all the time. I know especially right now, there’s a lot of pressure to maintain social interactions for the sake of mental health, but if the pressure to interact outweighs the benefits and it feels too heavy right now, don’t pick up the phone. You’re allowed to be with yourself, by yourself.
5) It’s okay to cut toxic people out of your life.
Brene Brown says it best: “When we combine the courage to make clear what works for us and what doesn’t with the compassion to assume people are doing their best, our lives change. Yes, there will be people who violate our boundaries, and this will require that we continue to hold those people accountable. But when we’re living in our integrity, we’re strengthened by the self-respect that comes from the honoring of our boundaries, rather than being flattened by disappointment and resentment.” No one is entitled to your energy. Whether it’s a family member, a friend, a colleague, or acquaintance, you get to choose who has access to your wellbeing, and setting those boundaries is the first step.
6) It’s okay to know or NOT KNOW where you stand- politically, religiously, philosophically, etc. (and to share that, or keep that to yourself!).
I’m always a little skeptical of people who seem to have opinions and ideologies that are absolute. Hey, if that works for them, great! But with so much competing information, it can be really difficult to come to conclusions on things, and that’s okay. The societal pressure to share every thought and idea we have is actually really odd if you think about it. Why do we have to have our minds made up about everything? If a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? If someone has an idea, and it’s not shared on social media, in a debate or subjected to criticism, does it still count? If that works for you, fantastic. It’s just as okay to still have questions, to not know why you feel a certain way, and to also refuse invitations to share and/or defend your thoughts and ideas.
7) It’s okay to “waste time”.
“Time you enjoy wasting isn’t time wasted” -Marthe Troly-Curtin.
Some of my happiest memories are my experiences where there was no product, output, or task crossed off. Giving yourself permission to “just be” or do something fun, creative, or “lazy” also helps encourage focus, energy, and determination later on when you’re ready to tackle whatever it is you’ve convinced yourself you need to do.
8) It’s okay to treat yourself.
You work hard. You’re a causality of 2020. You deserve some self-love and if that requires you to permit yourself some time, money, or opportunities to indulge, do it.
9) It’s okay to not have it all figured out.
“Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd” — Voltaire
- “You know what? I don’t know.”
- “I’m not sure.”
- “I don’t have enough information to comment.”
- “I have no clue.”
- “I’m not sure where I’ll end up.”
- “Who knows what the next year will bring.”
ALL RESPONSES ARE OKAY. You don’t owe anyone access to your decision making or the keys to your uncertainty. Your world is changing every day and it’s okay to only know what life looks like for the next five minutes.
10) It’s okay to change your mind.
We need to normalize changing our minds when presented with new information and experiences. That’s life! It’s called growing and developing. If you decide something is- or isn’t for you, you don’t owe anyone an explanation, nor do you need to subject yourself to judgment, disbelief, jokes or harassment for changing your mind. You are allowed to change your beliefs, your body, your career, your style, your social group, habits, goals, path, affiliations, and anything else you want to. Some people might call you out for your bravery and refer to it as hypocrisy.
“Sometimes a hypocrite is nothing more than a man in the process of changing. – Brandon Sanderson
Most of us abide by unwritten rules that, if broken, lead to guilt, regret, self-doubt, loathing, and other damaging negative self-talk. Of course, all of these permissions aren’t black and white and might become problematic when applied to everything, every day. If that’s your experience, you might benefit from talking to a trusted friend or professional about it. Either way, you and I deserve some grace.
If you are interested in talking things through with someone please reach out. I would love to chat with you.
