In our journey through life, we often encounter situations where we find ourselves settling for less than we deserve. Whether it’s in our relationships, friendships, or even our careers, this phenomenon, known as toxic settling, can have a profound impact on our overall well-being. So what is it and why do we continue to do it, especially when our nearest and dearest try to talk us out of it?
Toxic settling can be described as the act of accepting less than we truly desire or deserve in a particular aspect of our lives. It often stems from fear, insecurity, or a lack of self-worth. Settling for toxic situations can lead to long-term emotional and psychological distress.
So how do we know when we’re toxic settling?
- In Relationships: Toxic settling in romantic relationships may involve staying with a partner who disrespects boundaries or mistreats you. It can also manifest as IGNORING red flags and EXCUSING unhealthy behaviors. (Note the words doing the heavy lifting in that sentence!)
- In Friendships: Toxic settling in friendships may involve tolerating toxic behaviors from friends, such as constant negativity, manipulation, or a lack of support/reciprocity.
- In the Workplace: Toxic settling in the workplace could mean staying in a job that makes you miserable, undervalues your skills, or fosters a hostile environment.
Why Do We Settle?
Fear of loneliness, societal pressure, low self-esteem, and a history of trauma can all contribute to this behavior. When we think we don’t deserve better, when we fear that we can’t attract or maintain, we settle. External pressures to stay in toxic situations- to conform to norms that may not be healthy are also reasons we settle. From fear of disrupting the status quo to challenging others perception of us and our choices- all of these can cause paralysis and toxic settling.
Willingness to tolerate toxicity may have learned by adult models in our lives and messages sent about “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side”, “be thankful for what you have” can often cause us to settle for less than we deserve.
Being financially dependent on a toxic partner or workplace can create a sense of helplessness and make it difficult to leave the relationship.
Hope can also cause toxic settling- when we have hope and optimism that a situation or relationship may possibly look different in the future (despite evidence to the contrary) we settle.
Not having well-defined boundaries, makes it challenging to recognize and address toxic behavior. Strong emotional attachments can make it hard to detach from toxic relationships, even when we know it’s detrimental- this looks like reflecting on the good times and not remembering the bad times.
The fear of rejection or abandonment can make us hesitant to leave a toxic relationship or workplace, as we may fear they won’t find someone else or another job- or even worse, fear that we may find someone worse or an even more toxic job.
So now that we know why, what can we do about it?
- Self-Reflection: Engage in self-reflection and identify areas of your life where you may be settling. This self-awareness is the first step toward change.
- Setting Boundaries: Understand the importance of setting healthy boundaries in all aspects of life. (Check out some of our other blogs on how to set boundaries with grace!)
- Seek Support: Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can be a powerful tool in resisting toxic settling.
- Goal Setting: Set realistic goals and aspirations. This can help you shift your focus from settling for less to striving for what truly fulfills you.
By recognizing toxic settling, understanding its roots, and implementing strategies to resist it, you can work to create a healthier, more fulfilling life. Remember, you deserve the best, and settling for anything less should never be an option!
Questions about this? Looking for a therapist in the Metro Detroit area to help you with toxic settling, boundaries, anxiety, depression and trauma? Looking for medication management? We’ve got you covered! (Insurance coverage too! We accept a variety of insurances- Blue Cross Blue Shield, Blue Care Network, Aetna, etc!) Check out our therapist page to learn about our clinicians and see who might be the right fit for you. And remember, don’t settle!
