Estrangement between parents and their children is a complex and often painful phenomenon that affects families worldwide. In many cases, parents may harbor feelings of resentment and believe that their children owe them for the sacrifices they made in raising them. This mindset can lead to what psychologists refer to as “injustice collecting,” (something we previously discussed in an earlier post) where individuals feel entitled to compensation for perceived wrongs or sacrifices. However, this expectation can perpetuate feelings of guilt and resentment, further straining the parent-child relationship. Parents, you may think you’re helping your cause, but you’re really pushing your children farther away when you hold these expectations.
Estrangement occurs when there is a breakdown in communication and emotional connection between parents and their children. It can stem from a variety of factors, including unresolved conflicts, differences in values or lifestyles, or emotional abuse. Contrary to common misconceptions, estrangement is not solely the result of a child’s ingratitude or disrespect (a theme injustice collectors frequently identify with); it often reflects deep-seated issues within the family dynamic. Estrangement often results from the child feeling their only option for their mental health is to cut off contact with their parent.
The Myth of Obligation
One prevalent belief among estranged parents is that their children owe them for the sacrifices they made while raising them. These sacrifices may include financial support, time, and energy invested in visits, calls, caregiving, and personal sacrifices such as career aspirations or social life. While it’s natural for parents to expect gratitude and appreciation from their children, demanding or expressing expected repayment can create a toxic dynamic rooted in obligation rather than genuine love and connection. This may not be what parents want to hear- but the fact of the matter is- the child wasn’t there to sign an informed consent when they were conceived. The sacrifice is a choice a parent makes, and their choice alone. Saying things like “after all I’ve done for you” or “you should be grateful, I’ve given up so much” only perpetuates the problem.
According to a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, approximately 12% of parents report being estranged from their adult children. Contrary to popular belief, estrangement affects families across all demographic backgrounds, including socioeconomic status, race, and culture. Research also indicates that unresolved conflicts and unmet expectations are significant contributing factors to estrangement, highlighting the importance of addressing underlying issues within the parent-child relationship. While navigating estrangement can be challenging, it’s essential for both parents and children to prioritize open communication and empathy. Rather than focusing on past grievances and perceived debts, both parties can benefit from acknowledging each other’s perspectives and working towards forgiveness and healing. Therapy and mediation can also provide valuable support in facilitating constructive dialogue and rebuilding trust.
Estrangement between parents and their children is a multifaceted issue that requires compassion, understanding, and patience to address effectively. By challenging the myth of obligation and recognizing the complexities of familial relationships, both parents and children can take meaningful steps towards reconciliation and healing. Let us strive to cultivate empathy, forgiveness, and unconditional love in our relationships, fostering healthier and more fulfilling connections with our loved ones. It’s hard to do this on your own though. If you are an estranged parent, or the child of a parent that is holding these expectations for you- reach out, we’re here to help. Learn more about Bright Spot Counseling or give us a call at 248.296.3104
Book Recommendations
Healing From Family Rifts : Ten Steps to Finding Peace After Being Cut Off From a Family Member – Mark Sichel
Reconnecting with Your Estranged Adult Child – Tina Gilbertson
