If you’re in the midst of deciding whether to stop your fertility journey, you’re already carrying an enormous emotional load. Unfortunately, well-meaning family and friends can sometimes add to that burden with unsolicited advice or hurtful comments. You might have heard things like, “Just keep trying, you never know!” or “Why don’t you just adopt?”—and while these statements may come from a place of love, they can feel dismissive, frustrating, and even painful.
So, what can you do when the people around you keep saying things that make a difficult situation even harder?
Why Do People Say These Things?
Most people don’t intend to cause harm—they just don’t know what to say. Infertility and the decision to end fertility treatments are heavy, emotionally charged topics, and people often fumble for words that will somehow make the pain go away. Unfortunately, this can lead to comments that feel invalidating or overly simplistic, especially when they come from someone who doesn’t fully understand what you’re going through.
Here’s a breakdown of some of the most common “stupid” things people say—and why they miss the mark:
“Just relax, and it’ll happen!”
Infertility isn’t caused by stress alone, and suggesting that stress is the problem minimizes the complexity of your situation.
“Don’t give up, it’ll work out eventually.”
This puts unnecessary pressure on you to keep pushing forward, even when your body, mind, and heart might be telling you it’s time to consider another path.
“Why don’t you just adopt?”
Adoption is not an easy, instant fix. It’s a deeply personal decision with its own emotional weight, and suggesting it as an alternative can feel dismissive of the pain you’re currently experiencing.
“At least you have each other” or “At least you don’t have kids to worry about.”
These comments, though well-meaning, can feel dismissive of your grief. Infertility is a profound loss, and such statements might make you feel like your pain is being minimized or overlooked.
How to Cope When Loved Ones Say the Wrong Thing
So, how do you handle it when your family and friends keep saying things that make you feel worse instead of better?
1. Set Boundaries
It’s okay to establish boundaries around what you’re comfortable discussing. You might say something like, “I appreciate that you’re trying to help, but talking about this is really hard for me right now. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to share more.”
2. Educate Them
Sometimes, people just need more information about what you’re going through. Gently explaining why certain comments are hurtful can go a long way. For example, you could say, “I know you’re trying to help, but when you say things like ‘just relax,’ it makes me feel like this is my fault, and that’s really hard for me to hear.”
3. Lean on Your Partner or Trusted Friends
If certain people in your life aren’t offering the kind of support you need, it’s okay to turn to others who are more understanding. Surround yourself with those who offer empathy and validation, rather than unwanted advice.
4. Seek Out a Support Group (or join ours!)
Connecting with others who truly understand what you’re going through can be incredibly comforting. A support group made up of people who are also facing the decision to stop their fertility journey will allow you to vent, share, and receive validation from others who have walked the same path.
5. Give Yourself Grace
It’s okay if you don’t have all the answers yet. Deciding whether or not to end your fertility journey is a monumental decision, and it’s perfectly normal to feel conflicted. Remember that this is your process and no one else’s—so take your time and give yourself permission to feel all the emotions that come with this journey.
You Don’t Have to Navigate This Alone—Join the Making Meaning After Infertility Program
If you’re finding yourself overwhelmed by unsolicited advice or struggling with the decision to stop your fertility journey, you don’t have to go through it alone. The Making Meaning After Infertility program is a 12-week e-course designed to help individuals and couples process their emotions and make peace with the decision to step away from fertility treatments. Through Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), this program will guide you in embracing your emotions, finding new values, and creating a meaningful life beyond infertility.
Additionally, our monthly support group offers a safe space to connect with others who are on a similar journey. Share your experiences, receive support, and gain understanding from those who truly know what you’re going through.
To learn more about the Making Meaning After Infertility program and join the support group, visit Bright Spot Counseling or call 248.296.3104. You don’t have to face these challenges alone—support, healing, and new possibilities are available.
