In therapy, language is powerful—it shapes how we see ourselves, influences our self-talk, and impacts how we approach change. One word I hear time and time again in sessions, however, has a unique way of trapping clients in cycles of guilt, regret, and judgment: the word “should.” Whether it’s “I should be more productive,” “I should feel better by now,” or “I should have done things differently,” using “should” can actually get in the way of the progress and self-compassion essential to a successful therapy journey.
Here’s why letting go of “should” can be so transformative, and some alternatives that might help clients create a healthier mental space.
1. How “Should” Can Sabotage Self-Compassion
When we say “should,” it’s almost always a judgment. It implies there’s an ideal way to think, feel, or act—and that we’re falling short. This can be especially discouraging for people who already struggle with self-criticism. Each time “should” shows up in our self-talk, it can trigger feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy.
For instance, saying “I should have known better” suggests that we’re failing simply for having made a mistake, reinforcing a mindset that can keep us stuck. In therapy, breaking out of this mindset is often an important first step toward self-compassion, healing, and growth.
2. The Role of “Should” in Setting Unrealistic Expectations
The word “should” often carries unrealistic expectations—expectations that may not align with our current capabilities, circumstances, or even our true goals. When we focus on “should,” we’re likely comparing ourselves to someone else’s standards or an idealized version of ourselves that doesn’t reflect our current reality. This makes “should” a sneaky way of setting ourselves up for disappointment.
In therapy, one of the goals is often to create achievable, meaningful goals that allow for flexibility and self-acceptance. Replacing “should” with more intentional language helps clients set realistic, kind expectations for themselves, allowing them to appreciate progress rather than feeling constantly behind.
3. Moving to Empowering Language
Changing language is a process, and it starts with noticing. Encouraging clients to become aware of each time they say “should” can reveal how often this word appears and how much it shapes their thoughts. Shifting from “should” to language that is more empowering can make a big difference in their journey. Here are some alternatives:
“I could…” – By saying “I could,” clients give themselves options and the space to choose what aligns with their true desires and needs.
“I would like to…” – This language focuses on intention and desire rather than obligation, which can lead to more genuine motivation.
“I’m working toward…” – This approach acknowledges progress and avoids perfectionism, emphasizing that growth is a process, not an all-or-nothing scenario.
For example, instead of saying, “I should be over this by now,” a client might try, “I’m working toward acceptance, and I understand it takes time.” This subtle shift gives them permission to take the time they need, which fosters patience and resilience.
4. Embracing Self-Acceptance and Building Self-Compassion
When clients eliminate “should,” they open up room for self-acceptance. Therapy often involves exploring and letting go of unrealistic standards and replacing them with compassion-based goals. This shift isn’t about giving up on growth; it’s about approaching growth in a way that is sustainable, kind, and achievable.
As clients learn to recognize the areas where “should” shows up, they become more attuned to what they genuinely need and want, as opposed to what they feel obligated to do or be. Over time, this can lead to a greater sense of agency, authenticity, and self-compassion.
5. Making the Change: Small Steps Toward Freedom from “Should”
The shift away from “should” doesn’t happen overnight, and that’s okay. It also won’t ever disappear completely, and that’s okay too. Sometimes there are things we should do; wearing our seal belt, showing respect and kindness, or following the law for example. The process begins with awareness, continues with small changes in language, and evolves into a habit of self-compassion. In therapy, clients can practice noticing and changing “should” statements in a safe space, gaining confidence to carry this habit into daily life.
Letting go of “should” might seem simple, but it’s a powerful way to transform self-talk and move toward a more compassionate, balanced way of thinking. By replacing “should” with mindful, self-empowering language, clients often find that they’re not only more at peace with themselves but also more open to growth and healing.
Are you ready to drop “should” from your self-talk? Therapy can be an excellent space to explore this shift and to find a language that fosters acceptance, growth, and self-compassion. Together, we can begin the journey toward letting go of “should” and embracing the path to a healthier mindset. If that is resonating with you and you are looking for a therapist in the Metro Detroit area, give us a call at 248-296-3104 or learn more about Julie here.
