“What if” is a phrase I hear myself saying throughout the day, every day. It’s usually followed by a lengthy process of noticing, calming my body, correcting my thoughts, and reminding myself to stay present. A few minutes later, my mind wanders again into the future…and I have to start the entire operation from the beginning. It requires practice and energy- energy from a reservoir that is usually running low because having anxiety is EXHAUSTING.
But we should talk about our feelings, right? So we do… but then this happens:
- “Don’t worry”
- “It’ll all work out”
- “You’re overthinking this”
- “It’s not a big deal”
- “Calm down”
- “Just don’t think about it”
- “We’ll figure it out”
- “If it’s meant to be, it will be”
- “Stop being so anxious!”
- “Just breathe”
- “It’s all in your head”
- “You’ll get over it”
- “Just push through it”
- “Have a drink”
- “Have you tried ___insert something obvious here____?”
- “Let it go”
- “Other people have it worse”
- “Just be positive!”
- “Stop stressing!”
- “Don’t sweat the small stuff”
- “It’s over, stop thinking about it!”
- “Just move on”
Maybe you’ve said some of the phrases above. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve said these things before. We think we’re soothing the other person because they say something like, “you’re right”, or “maybe” and then stop emoting. Problem solved, right?
Wrong.
I don’t want to speak on behalf of every anxious person ever. What I can say, however, is I empathize with others who feel dismissed by these statements that are intended to comfort. Our anxiety helps us create the assumption that these responses imply we’re “burdening” you. So what do we do? We shut down. We continue to worry and perseverate, but we do so silently.
If you really want someone with anxiety to feel comforted, heard, valued, validated, cared for- try these phrases instead:
- “I’m here for you.”
- “What can I do to help?”
- “What do you need from me in this moment?”
- “Let’s go for a walk and we can talk more about this”
- “Your anxious thoughts aren’t silly/stupid/unfounded/ridiculous/etc”
- “What you are feeling is scary, but you are safe”
- “Take your time”
- “I know you can’t control this and you’re doing the best you can”
- “I know this seems like a feeling that will last forever, but it will pass and I’m here to help you through it”
- “Do you want advice or for me to just listen?”
- “I hear you”
- “This must be really hard”
- “Thank you for sharing that with me”
If you or a friend are struggling with anxiety, Bright Spot Therapy has many therapists who specialize in anxiety management.
“You need to see a therapist” can really damage the trust you have with your friend or loved one. If you feel you cannot provide the kind of support your friend or loved one needs, try this instead:
“Your anxiety has me concerned. I want to help, but I’m limited in my ability to do so. It might be helpful to share some of this with a qualified therapist. I’m happy to help you find one.”
