Infertility is an incredibly painful and isolating experience. If you have a loved one going through it, it’s natural to want to offer support and comfort. But sometimes, well-meaning words can unintentionally hurt. This guide outlines ten things NOT to say to someone in the midst of infertility, and why these comments, though often well-intentioned, can be harmful.
1. “Just relax, and it will happen.”
Stress is often blamed for infertility, but this statement minimizes the complex medical, emotional, and personal challenges people face. Telling someone to relax can feel dismissive and suggest that their stress is the only reason they aren’t conceiving, which is not the case.
2. “Have you tried [insert random advice]?”
Offering unsolicited advice, especially about treatments, diets, or alternative medicine, can feel invasive and overwhelming. Chances are, they have already explored many options with their healthcare provider.
3. “At least you can always adopt.”
Adoption is a beautiful path for some, but it’s not an alternative or “second-best” option to having biological children. Adoption comes with its own emotional and logistical challenges, and it may not be the right fit for every couple or individual.
4. “Maybe it’s just not meant to be.”
This comment can feel extremely hurtful. It implies that there’s a reason for their suffering or that they aren’t deserving of becoming parents. It minimizes their pain and suggests a level of fate that may not align with their beliefs.
5. “My friend tried for years, and she finally got pregnant.”
While stories of hope are sometimes shared with good intentions, comparing someone’s journey to someone else’s can feel invalidating. Every fertility journey is unique, and hearing about someone else’s success can add pressure or intensify feelings of failure.
6. “You’re lucky you don’t have kids—you can sleep in!”
This comment might be intended to lighten the mood, but it can feel incredibly insensitive. It implies that the person should be grateful for something they desperately don’t want. Struggling with infertility often means navigating grief, loss, and deep yearning, so this kind of joke may come across as tone-deaf.
7. “Everything happens for a reason.”
While this phrase might be comforting in other situations, it can feel like an emotional dismissal during infertility. It suggests that their suffering has a purpose, which can be hard to hear when they’re in the middle of heartache and uncertainty.
8. “You can have mine!”
Joking about giving up your own kids to someone struggling with infertility may seem like a way to connect, but it trivializes their pain and reinforces how easy it is for some people to have children, while others are facing great difficulty.
9. “You’re young, you still have time!”
This can invalidate the urgency and emotional weight many people feel while going through infertility. Even if someone is younger, infertility is a serious issue that doesn’t depend solely on age, and it’s important to acknowledge their feelings in the moment.
10. “At least you have each other.”
While it’s wonderful to recognize a couple’s bond, this statement can feel dismissive of the longing they have to grow their family. It can minimize the grief they’re experiencing and imply that they should be content with their current circumstances, even when they’re struggling.
What You Can Say Instead:
When supporting someone going through infertility, the most important thing you can do is listen without judgment. Sometimes, just being there—without trying to fix or solve the problem—can mean the most. Here are a few alternatives:
“I’m here for you, no matter what.”
“I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I care.”
“Is there anything you need right now?”
“I can’t imagine how hard this must be. I’m thinking of you.”
It’s okay to admit that you don’t have all the answers. Infertility is an emotional, medical, and deeply personal experience, and the best way to support a loved one is to be present, patient, and compassionate.
Final Thoughts on Infertility Support:
Infertility can be an emotionally draining and lonely journey. The support of family and friends can make a big difference, but only if it is offered in a way that feels validating and compassionate. Avoiding these common pitfalls can help ensure your loved one feels heard, supported, and understood during this challenging time.
Infertility can be an emotionally draining and lonely journey. The support of family and friends can make a big difference, but only if it is offered in a way that feels validating and compassionate. Avoiding these common pitfalls can help ensure your loved one feels heard, supported, and understood during this challenging time.
If you or someone you know has come to the end of their fertility journey and is seeking support in making sense of what comes next, consider joining the Making Meaning After Infertility program. This 12-week e-course is designed for individuals and couples who are ready to embrace life beyond infertility. Through Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) techniques, participants will be guided through emotional healing, defining new values, and discovering how to move forward with purpose and meaning.
In addition to the e-course, a monthly support group is available for those who are looking to connect with others who understand the complexities of life after infertility. This group provides a safe space to share experiences, offer support, and build community, helping participants navigate their new reality with the understanding and compassion of others who are on a similar path.
To learn more about the Making Meaning After Infertility program and join the support group, visit Bright Spot Counseling or contact us at 248.296.3104. You don’t have to go through this journey alone—support and healing are possible.
