Therapy for Perfectionism in Farmington Hills

Remember the time you reworded that email over and over and then didn’t end up sending it because you just “couldn’t get it right?” Or that time you received a work evaluation that was 99% positive and just couldn’t get your mind off that one percent? What about that time you threw away your bullet journal because you couldn’t decorate it in a way to look Instagram-worthy? Don’t forget that time you ate the whole cake because you dipped your finger in the frosting. If you can’t abide by the diet 100%, you might as well just dive right in, right?

We know you; perfectionist. We know you, because we’ve been you.

What’s the problem with caring so much, you ask? Let’s unpack.

Perfectionism is more than caring too much. It’s very different from trying to reach your highest potential. It doesn’t live on the same street as personal growth, self-improvement, or healthy achievement. It shacks up with rigidity, comparison, and inadequacy. Perfectionism disguises itself to look like “what do I think?”, but underneath, it’s really “what do they think?” We, perfectionists, hold our self-worth at the mercy of others’ perception- something we cannot control. So we turn to the things we can control and look for evidence to support what we’re doing is receiving positive results. It can be exhausting.

As perfectionists, we think in absolutes, also known as “black and white” or “all or nothing thinking”, (“If I don’t weigh ____ pounds, I’ll never be happy.”), and have made an Olympic sport out of criticizing ourselves. We minimize our achievements (“Oh, it was nothing”) and exaggerate our difficulties (“Yeah, but did you see the part where I messed up?”) We catastrophize (“If this doesn’t work out, my life will be over!”). It can manifest in many ways, and sometimes perfectionism can become so intrusive, we never get anything done! Toxic perfectionism can lead to procrastination, obsessive-compulsive disorders, eating disorders, social anxiety, and depression.

The underlying belief that reinforces perfectionism is that if we live perfect lives, we can avoid or reduce our exposure to painful experiences laden in embarrassment, disappointment, fear of failure/rejection, judgement, and blame. Sure, we miss out on some of the bad stuff by striving to be perfect, but here’s the problem: we miss out on the good stuff too. If you fail to take a risk and try something new, because you fear you won’t “be perfect in others’ eyes”, you miss the chance to put something new into the world- to experience something great. Often, we miss the opportunity to make memories and build meaningful connections with others, because we are so consumed with our ideas of what others may think that we never show up as our true selves.